Death is an inevitable part of life, a reality we all must face, often without knowing when it will come. Every day, people lose loved ones-family, friends. In the past two years, I’ve experienced the loss of three individuals who made a mark in my life.

My Father: A Complicated Legacy

The first was my father. I never truly knew him. He left my siblings and I when we were young, making only a handful of attempts to reconnect over the years. While my two stepsisters were lucky enough to know him better, our relationship was nonexistent. When my father passed away last year, my sister got a call from one of our stepsisters. My sister, brother, and I were devastated-emotionally shattered in a way we had not anticipated. Despite not having a bond with him, I cried harder than I ever did before. The grief was confusing. I did not know what to feel because on the one hand he was a stranger. On the other hand, he was still my father, and his death felt like a profound loss.

In the days following his passing, I met family members I had not seen since I was three. These relatives who had never once made the effort to be a part of my life, made declarations like “He loved you guys so much.” Even my mom echoed these sentiments, but they felt hollow and misplaced. I questioned how love could coexist with abandonment. If love meant choosing drugs over your children, missing their milestones, and drowning in untreated mental illness, not sourcing out for any other help than to drugs, then I did not want to know that kind of love. Anger consumed me as I struggled to reconcile his actions-or lack thereof-with the concept of love. He left. End of story. At least, that is what I thought.

However, over time, my mom shared stories that painted a different picture. After arguing with her about him not loving us, I am not sure if this is an excuse or not but, his underlying problem was in fact mental illness. My father battled with schizophrenia and depression, often escaping his reality through substance abuse. Learning about his struggles did not excuse his absence but did make things a little clearer. Slowly, the words “He really did love you” began to feel less wrong.

One year after his death, as memories surfaced- through songs, thoughts, and tearful moments- I started to understand the truth behind those words. Though he had not been present, I began to feel a love that had been buried beneath pain and misunderstanding. The space in my heart I thought would always remain empty was finally filled with a connection I never thought possible.

From this loss, I have learned two important lessons:

  1. A parent’s love, whether flawed or absent, shapes your understanding of love itself.
  2. Even when you think you know someone, there is always more to learn about their life, their struggles, and their love.

NOTE: To my mom for telling me all about him, If I did not listen, process, think about what you have said, I would be moving on with my life not knowing what it is like to love your own father. I thank you and love you for being the greatest mom you can be.

My Great-Uncle: The Father Figure

The second loss was my great uncle-my mom’s uncle. He passed away just two months after my father did. In many ways, he had been a father figure to me, a male role model whose humor and kindness left an impression.

One of my fondest memories of him was a trip to Puerto Rico, where my sister and I joined him and our other cousins. During that trip, as we snorkeled in the blue ocean, he took the time to ask how we were doing. At the time, our mom had entered a relationship with someone who was not good for us, and my sister and I confided in him. He made us feel like we had a “fathers’ shoulder” to lean on, and a “fathers’ ear” to talk off. The support and safety we longed for.

When my father passed, my great uncle was the first to reach out. He sent me a text that read, “You will be okay, and if you ever need someone to talk to, I’m here.” Even though that may sound like a typical text from a family member showing sympathy, but coming from him, it felt profoundly comforting- as if he were offering the shoulder I desperately needed. Tragically, I never got the chance to tell him how much he meant to me. Just months later, he was gone too. His loss taught me a vital lesson:

  • The people in your life can affect you in ways you never imagined. They bring light into your darkest moments, motivate you, and remind you that you are never truly alone. Always express your gratitude and love for them while you can.

My Great-Aunt: A Grandmother’s Wisdom

The most recent loss was my great-aunt-my mom’s aunt- who passed away last month. While we were not particularly close growing up, we connected deeply over the summer during a lengthy conversation at her home in Pennsylvania. Sitting together at her kitchen table, we talked for hours—gossiping, laughing, and discussing life’s challenges. She listened to me with genuine understanding, validating my feelings and offering clarity on issues I was struggling with. In that moment, she felt like the grandmother I never had. See, when I was little my grandma passed away and only my brother got a few memories of her before she passed, so I did not grow up with grandma. I had not thought of the importance of a grandma until that moment. At the end of our conversation, she had also told me that I could always call her, and we could talk for hours more if I ever just needed to rant. Losing her reminded me of the unique role a grandmotherly figure plays in our lives. She had shown me the importance of:

  • Wisdom: Accepting that there are always two sides to a story and recognizing the validity of others’ perspectives.
  • Support: Listening with empathy and showing sincere interest in others.
  • Moral Guidance: Encouraging me to take control of my own life and not let others define my path.

Her passing reinforced the value of relationships that provide comfort, understanding, and wisdom, even if they come later in life.

These three losses have profoundly shaped me, teaching me lessons about love, connection, and the importance of cherishing those who impact our lives. Though grief is painful, it also holds the power to transform—to deepen our understanding of ourselves and the people we hold dear.

As you navigate loss, remember to embrace the lessons it brings. Celebrate the lives of those you have loved and lost and honor their memory by living with gratitude and openheartedness.

 By: Ariana N. Baez

 

 

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